Well, that was a merry jaunt. By which I mean, as per the usual, I'm once again alone. I wonder what it's like to leave a club, event or ball with someone who wants you, by which I mean of the romantic variety (no offence, Chris!). Admittedly, even when I had someone I didn't feel I was leaving to go back to anything pleasant, merely that I'd wasted enough of their evening and would shortly after be ignored or forgotten. Yay, happy bunnies! Rainbows and sunshine!

Try as I might I cannot must any kind of false enthusiasm. We attended the (Edinburgh) Napier Sports and Societies Awards Ball 2009, technically it's still going on for at least another hour. Our society, my society, won best society. Rik, Chris and myself all were awarded society colours. M'eh.

Perhaps I should be in a sort of "I don't believe it!" mood, but really, I'm not. Yes, we deserved it, but I don't feel the competition was particularly stiff. Furthermore, by my own standards, we don't deserve to win. We're good but we're not good enough to win things, I don't feel. Perhaps that's cruel or belittling, but I am a man of high standards and consider our society to be in its infancy. We're getting the hang of doing things well, we're getting the hang of PR and events. We know what we're doing with the podcast although really it'd be nice if there was a better division of labour for things. Woo, yay. Yes, we're good. But we can do much better. I suppose winning the award is useful for our credibility and so on but I'm in this for the results, not the awards.

Ultimately, I want attention. That takes priority. I've little interest in winning awards if I'm alone when I'm doing so. Oh, wow, things can be arranged directly or indirectly to deliver results. Not news to me. I want to share my victories with someone, someone who loves me. Yeah, not much chance of that happening any time soon unless some woman appears out of the blue. To quote The Simpsons - Ribbons and trophies are no comfort on your deathbed. Perhaps not the most reputable source but it conveys what I feel. Of the several prospects on my radar, euch. I don't think I can even bring myself to blog about it. She had a date, she's got at least one date, she's not even here and thank gods she didn't find some time in her pathetic life to be here either. Bitter much? Of course, you guys know me. Well, no, a great deal of you don't.

I'd like to be able to be cheerful, sunny and loving and I'm not being sarcastic. Sadly what I find more appropriate and relevant is contempt, coldness and skepticism. In my experience people are lazy, unreliable, unkind and will at best abandon you or at worst actively work to undermine you. I don't tend to join things, I tend to found them. I can't rely on anyone else creating something appropriate for me, although very rarely I do encounter such things and am pleased. In order to live in a world where things exist that please me it seems I usually have to create them myself and to rely on anyone else to help with this dream is incredibly risky and only to be undertaken if someone very reliable can be found, only after testing them. Paranoid? Quite so. Justified? I feel it is.

I do some of my best and most impressive work whilst depressed and annoyingly angsty but I'm at my most kind and human when I have an equal to share my life with.
Well, being a twenty-something man I should probably be thinking about where I can get some, as it were, rather than who will make a good partner, but whilst in the extreme short term that might make me happy, ultimately it'll make me miserable (and not in a "I feel so shallow.." way).

..and yes, if I had the convenient and untraceable means, I would have him ended. Maybe he's a great guy, but subjectively he's entirely expendable.

0 responses to "Boohoo, angsty rubbish."

Leave a Reply