Ducks help.

22 May 2008

I'm rarely dissatisfied by the traits I've inherited from my parents but there is one from my mother's side that I truly despise. Paranoia.
I cannot think of a single person I truly trust, even the person I trust most, above all others, doesn't have a flawless track record.
I expect to be abandoned, betrayed or forgotten at every turn. It doesn't help that many of those I've placed my trust in have been inclined to cut and run on a whim.
It's not a healthy trait to have, although I find that ducks tend to help, oddly.
I don't really know who to trust any more, I mean, I'm excellent at who NOT to trust, but selecting people to trust has become harder, edging further and further towards the Uplink maxim of "trust is a weakness".

I don't think that it helps that I weigh up every scenario to see who stands to gain from a given outcome, it just presses home that others have plenty to gain from leading me on.

Sometimes I think it's just hassle.

A pleasant surprise (and a realisation of rank) is that I can think of one man I trust, someone who has never given me reason to doubt his loyalties, who has given me so much and asked so little of me, sure, I'm forever indebted to him, but I'm okay with that.

Hopefully I'm not being too rash in risking emotion upon a certain person, who I have every expectation will reject me, I wish I couldn't cope with that, but sadly I know I can; years of emotional wreckage, can't imagine a little more would make much difference.

It'd be nice if I didn't mess this up though. A nice plus is that when these parts of my mind are more active, my art improves.